I am not over it

"Catastrophic loss wreaks destruction like a massive flood. It leaves the landscape of one's life forever changed." 
Jerry Sittser in A Grace Disguised


Three months ago, my husband and I were standing at the grave of our little boy. The pain was unrelenting, raw. The intensity of our loss only beginning to sink in.

At that time, I was convinced my life was changed forever. And I was right !
I just had to discover what was changed. At first I thought it was my ability to be happy again. At the hospital, I held my child and thought my joy was gone, till the day I would see him again.
But by the grace of God, my ability to be happy has not gone. Because of His presence in our lives, we are learning that grief is mysterious joy and sorrow mingled together.

So I am able to feel joy, to laugh, to enjoy life... so am I over it ?

I will never be over it. I have chosen to live my grief, fully, but to let joy seep in the darkness. I will not wait for darkness to lift before I let God give me his joy. I am not going to go through the pain and wait to come out the other side. I want grace to be present in the pain. And the pain is here... even if it is not as noticeable now. When I think of Joakim I feel like screaming in pain.

The loss of our boy is being absorbed in my life. And I want to let the sorrow enlarge me, not define me. Because I will never be over it, it will hopefully change me in the years to come. I know this is possible because of God's promises.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever.
Ephesians 3 v 20